By: Danielle Florigen R. Abrigo
If somebody told you I’m just an average gal, then somebody lied.
Yes, you would probably see me laugh and have fun, but behind that laughter are tears and sorrow of the past. I am the great pretender. I’m pretending to be strong but I’m weak. I’m pretending to be the cheerful but I’m not. I’m pretending—just pretending—because for the past 17 years of my life, I have lost and I am still losing the battles of my life.
Hello I’m Danielle. I’m the youngest in the brood of six and I lost my father when I was 2 years old. Yes, at that age, a vulnerable and innocent baby girl lost one of the most important person in her life. I have no idea what happened that day. I was completely unaware of what was happening around me and I don’t know why my father is lying in a rectangular box. The worst part is I don’t have any memory of him. All I know is that he’s Federico D. Abrigo and he died on October 9, 1990 and on that same day, our ordeal started and our life turned 360 degrees. My mom had to work doubly hard, as if there’s no tomorrow. She became the caretaker cum provider of the house after we lost him. Sometimes I would blame God for all the pain and sorrow our family is experiencing and I would think that it would’ve been easy for us and it would lessen my mother’s burden if our father is still alive. But what can I do? Past is past and besides, everything has its own reason so why should I feel as if I’m carrying the world’s burden? Why should I? I’ve just lost my father so why should I?
Well, if you think losing my father is the greatest fall of my life, then you’re wrong. If losing a parent at a young age is painful, being mocked and getting embarrassed in front of so many people is traumatic, depressing and more painful. Sometimes I would cry and pour my grievances on my sole best friend, my diary.
It started when I was 14 years old. I was doing well in class so my classmates felt that there’s some sort of favoritism—the usual immaturities of high school students—and by the way, let me add our adviser is my mother (huh!). It was an awkward situation every time she starts her lecture. Jealousy and paranoia hit my classmates and soon they became so mean to me. They started to call all sorts of mean things on me and my “friends” made an “alliance” with them and stabbed me in the back. The sad part is that they belong in an organization which is the most popular org in our school. Cool and popular students join their organization. Little did I know, they are silently ruining my name and with just a blink of an eye…pooof….I became the “talk of the town.”
I cannot forget how I was humiliated every time I walk in our corridors and I—the great pretender—just act as if that I don’ see, hear, and feel them. I became numb because of them. I want to fight back but I can’t (and I won’t). I’d rather keep my mouth shut than utter words that would start the World War 3. I also feared that my mother’s name will be dragged in this mess and I don’t want to be called in our guidance office either. I cannot forget the effect of that experience in me. I cannot forget the most down in the dumps summer of my life. Would you believe that I locked myself in my room and never went out of the house for two months? Yes, I was a lost soul for two months. I began to cry every night and I felt worthless, hopeless and cynical. It came into a point when I wanted to be with my father and end all these” non-sense.”
Until one fine day, a realization hit me. I began to think of what my relationship with God and what it had become since that miserable period of my life. The funny and the weird thing is that instead of blaming God, I accepted His verdict and I trusted Him. I also realize that I did not lock myself inside my room the whole time. I did went out. Every Sunday I still see to it that I attend the Holy Eucharist and spend an hour just to be with Him. My faith grew and my relationship with Him deepened. All those times that I cried, all those times that I locked myself and all those times that I felt miserable, He was always been there for me. He never left me. It was I who neglected Him. He was the light that brightened my dark path then and He still is. The ghost of the past still haunts me but my Friend is much stronger and more powerful than those ghosts.
I will forever be thankful to God because I began to realize that a life without a cross is meaningless and there’s no need to worry because in every cross that I carry, God is within me and every time I fall God will help me rise again. I also learned that loss is a part of life, of being alive and of being human. We just have to remember that as long as we are alive, we will survive. I am alive, I will survive.
Forgiveness is also essential for me in order to move on from the stumble and fumble of my life. I’m just human. God forgives us so why can’t I forgive them? I remember this lines from the book entitled “The Chain of Love” by Ben Galdon: “We should love our enemies: do good to those who hurt us; bless those who curse us; pray for those who mistreat us” —and I have forgiven them.
Though my life has just begun, I’m proud to say that whatever dilemma blocks my way, I will not be frightened nor will I be put into a halt because I know that God is my companion. He’s always there to guide and protect me in every step of my way and I have proven that when my soul was lost….and found
gardez la foi!!
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